nefarious ballerina

I’m so happy to have three of my poems – “how we love”, “Muse”, and “He entered this lost empire” – in Issue 6 of Nefarious Ballerina!

Nefarious Ballerina is “a theme-based publication, centered around, for lack of a better word, erotica. This sounds easy enough, but to do it well is the hard part. We are interested in the intelligently erotic.What does that mean? Well, it’s what you say and how you say it that’s important, it’s about sex but it’s also about feelings and morality. It’s the fire that burns in our heads and hearts as well as our loins. It’s more about what goes on above the waist than below it. It’s about the animal in us that makes us human and how much we’ve evolved as a species — and how much we’ve stayed the same.”

Click here to check out the provocative and erotic poetry and art in Issue 6 of Nefarious Ballerina, also available through Issuu.

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reading series 8.1

Recently my older daughter turned 14. Fourteen! Last week, she entered 9th grade – her first year of high school. It’s the beginning of a new chapter of her life. There are a lot of changes and transitions ahead as she negotiates her teen years. And for me, too, as I help guide and nurture her growth during this time.

Parenting is a reflexive, evolving role. I am not the same parent I was when she was a baby. As a teenager, her needs are very different. Now, she needs my help with friendships, social relationships and situations, and understanding her self and the nature of the world. It’s a responsibility I don’t take lightly, and I consciously work towards keeping our relationship close as we both grow and change.

The result is that we have an open relationship, where she feels she can talk to me about anything. We talk about everything from music to facebook to the upcoming elections to what she wants to do with her life. It’s important to me that we are so open and communicative, because everything that she processes is expanding her awareness of her self and her world.

The physical, cognitive, emotional, and social needs of children change as they grow, but they are always present at any stage of parenting.

For example, infants and babies require a focus on their immediate physical needs. They need to be attended to, cuddled and held, fed, clothed, and diapered – basic needs that can only be met by the caregiver. At 14, my daughter still has these needs, just in a different capacity.

Even a teenager needs attention and physical affection from their parent – which is something that I see a lot of parents let go of as their children get older. Now, many children tend to start to pull away from this as well. It’s a way of them asserting their independence. So my daughter doesn’t want me to hug her in public or hold her hand while crossing the street. That’s fine. But I always kiss her goodnight. I always make it a point to give her affection throughout the day, whether it be a little hug or a rub on the back or a playful tickle. I also give her my attention – I listen to her when she talks, I ask questions. What she thinks and says and feels is important, and I want her to know that.

She still needs to be fed, even though she sometimes makes her own meals or helps me in the kitchen. I teach her about food choices and health. She’s already known girls with eating disorders, and we’ve talked about that. We’ve talked about smart dieting and eating healthy. In addition, we’ve also talked a lot about female body image and how that presents itself through media, television, and advertising, and how damaging these unreal expectations can be. I’ve reinforced the idea that every person has a different body type which is specific to them, and the most important thing is to be healthy and confident in the body you have.

Clothing takes an interesting turn around the teen years. It becomes more about personal expression. I am still responsible for buying her clothing, which means I allow her to choose what she wants, but I also have the power to veto anything I think might be inappropriate. This is highly subjective. My daughter has dyed blue streaks in her hair and likes clothing with a punk-flair. I don’t mind this. She likes to experiment with style. She wants to differentiate herself from others. She wants her appearance to reflect more of who she is, or who she wants to be.

At 14, diapering and toilet training are things long of the past – thank god! Even though these were not my favorite aspects of parenting my babies, I always felt that it was a such a short time that could have important consequences. Or perhaps I read too much Freud when I was young. But while toilet training, I always kept it positive. It was never gross or dirty – just natural and something we all learn to control at some point.

Now, I feel that this attention to bodily functions has taken a different form. All children go through puberty and the surprising and confusing changes in their bodies. The sexual nature of the body is going to become much more of an issue as she moves through the teen years. Again, I feel that keeping an open communication is so important at this stage. We talk, but I’ve also given her many different books about the body, which she’s read privately. I understand her need for privacy, but I also have a responsibility to make sure that she has access to as much knowledge about the body and sexuality as possible.

There is a lot to parenting.

It’s not easy work. There’s no instruction manual. Nevertheless, from the time I was pregnant, I have devoured books on parenting from many different sources. I have reflected on my own experiences as a child, and my own relationships with my parents to guide me. Money, awards, and accolades are not involved. There’s no one telling me, “good job!” My reward is in the person I see before me, at each stage of her life, and the relationship we share, bonded as a parent and child.

For this reading series, I want to share some poems I wrote about my first experiences becoming a mother. I wanted to share my birth stories, but perhaps I will do that when my younger daughter turns 12 – Twelve! – in just another couple of months. Click here to read some poems on young motherhood.

Here is a short list of books from my shelf that I have found very helpful in developing as a parent:

Between Parent and Child by Dr. Haim Ginott

The Discipline Book by William Sears and Martha Sears

The Toddler’s Busy Book by Trish Kuffner

The Preschooler’s Busy Book by Trish Kuffner

Master Players: Learning From Children at Play by Gretchen Reynolds and Elizabeth Jones

Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman

Liberated Parents, Liberated Children by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

The “What to Expect” series – In Pregnancy, In the First Year, In the Toddler Years

Developmental Profiles (Pre-Birth through Eight) by K. Eileen Allen and Lynn R. Marotz

Introduction to Child Development by John P. Dworetzky

Infants, Children, and Adolescents by Laura E. Berk

Mother-Daughter Wisdom (Creating a Legacy of Physical and Emotional Health) by Christiane Northrup

Reviving Ophelia (Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls) by Mary Pipher

Ophelia Speaks by Sara Shandler (editor)

Girl in the Mirror (Mothers and Daughters in the Years of Adolescence) by Nancy L. Snyderman and Peg Streep

young motherhood – poems

Initiation

She was born on a Tuesday
and developed a fever after birth
antibiotics, tests, precaution, policy

I was sent home without her

every three hours I feed her, with
the exception of two nightly feedings
between midnight and six a.m.

I am here to breastfeed, offer
nourishment. It is all I can give her now.
There is a rocking chair in the storage room

I feed her there, by the small window
and hold her for as long as they let me
the nurses seem to understand, allow me

time to just be with her. I sing and read
and talk to her. She sleeps, sometimes for
hours, in the curve of my arm

across the hall, in the hospital nursery
I hear the endless wall of babies crying
always, even when I go to sleep

their echoes become my nightmares
the crib is empty next to our bed
the pain is tangible, I feel wounded

you are a mother now, they said.

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Compass

No one tells you what its like
to become a mother.

They don’t tell you the truth
about labor, how birth

enlightens, and how true it is
nothing will ever be the same

Between The Woman’s Room
and Good Housekeeping,

I am reconciling feminism
and motherhood, wondering

how I find myself in these roles
mother, wife, woman.

I am defining my evolution
with a broad compass, I navigate

with flawed accoutrement, touch
and sound, head and heart.

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how things are broken

He slams the door behind him
shaking the window pane, the wall

shudders at his anger, I whisper
to the baby it’s okay, it’s okay

I rock her slowly, offer her my
breast – she rests, she sleeps

I am grateful. I kiss and hold her
gently lay her in the crib

the silence of the room is deafening
I don’t cry. I hardly make a sound.

There are no victories here.
We don’t know how to fight.

I throw words, terse and careful
and he walks out, leaving me alone.

I sit at the table and turn on the light
a warm glow I once called antique

like the pages of an old book
with that familiar damp smell

I look out the window and am faced
with autumn darkness

the black of night before the leaves
begin to fall and the weather turns

Colder.

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Light

My days are filled with fragile joy
time is passing by so quickly

I spend time with the children, we
play and I read to them, coordinate

breakfast and lunch, bring one child
to preschool, give the other her nap

hold them, kiss them, watch them
grow in this new environment

this small space I call my own
in the afternoon, light refracts through

the high window, throwing rainbows
on the walls and I am always in awe

at their delight. We have settled in
to a sense of quietness, a sense of peace

and in these moments I am certain
everything will be okay.

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Healing

The children are sleeping, in a wave
of exhaustion, the scent of sickness
still upon them, the baby
cried and cried until I held her
against my breast and she
finally gave into sleep, rosebud mouth
open, cries still sobbing through her
as if it were involuntary
I laid her in bed and held her tiny body
against the length of my torso
I put my ear to her chest and listened
to her heartbeat, so close to me
through the small frame
of bone, the soft surface of skin.

I heard her heart beat loud and strong
and remembered our doctor’s visits
when she was still in the womb, we
would always begin by baring my
stomach, rubbing the cool, clear gel
white noise of the machine and then
the microphone making its way across
my body, looking for that unmistakable
noise, the faint sound of her fetal heart
and how it never failed
to bring tears to my eyes, each time
I was overcome with it
now she sleeps, nearing one year
outside the womb, she is still becoming
and I hope she can grow strong
in this fragile space, my life.

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named and shamed

“Janine Ashbless’s Named and Shamed is an original erotic fairy tale, set in a richly drawn fantasy world which parallels our contemporary time. The story is interwoven with mythological influences, excerpts from Christina Rossetti’s poem “Goblin Market,” and allusions to many different traditional fairytales and folktales. Janine Ashbless combines all of this and more with a light touch. Excellent writing, a wonderful narrative voice, great characters, and a strong plot move this naughty tale forward into another realm.

Named and Shamed immediately draws the reader in with the narrative voice of Tansy – a six-foot tall redhead who has found herself under a curse and an insatiable need for cock. There is no other way to put it, really, as Tansy would tell you herself. Tansy is a brilliant character, reminiscent of both the tarot’s fool and the archetypal hero. She sets upon a quest to free herself from the curse, taking the reader on a journey into a world of fierce eroticism and unapologetic sexuality, which confronts sexual deviance and kink, shatters taboos and boundaries, and ultimately frees and liberates.

One of the things I loved most about this book was the setting in Wildworld, a fictitious place that straddles both mythological and contemporary worlds, inhabited by humans and a wide range of Fair Folk, also called “Them There.” These characters are brought to vibrant life and provide an exciting and intriguing sexual and mythological context to the story. I was happy to discover that this setting is also featured in some of Ashbless’s other work. The story of how Them There is told in Wildwood. Her novella Bear Skin, in the erotic fairy tale collection Enchanted, also shares this setting.

The sexual and erotic scenes in Named and Shamed are very, very hot. The sex in this book starts within the first few pages and becomes increasingly varied and creative. There are no boundaries here, in fact, I’d say that that the story seems to delight in overthrowing limits and taboos and what may be considered sexually deviant. Because Tansy is so accepting, so receptive, so clearly enjoying her sexual adventures, she provides an interesting comfort zone for readers as they negotiate this wild and refreshing and uninhibited sexual terrain where anything, and I mean anything, is possible …”

Read the rest of my review of this extraordinary book at Oysters and Chocolate, and be sure to check out the rest of the site for their  erotic art gallery, stories, poems, book reviews, and articles!

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Named and Shamed by Janine Ashbless
UK: £10.99
US: $17.95
ISBN: 978-0-9570037-8-1
June 2012, 390 pages
Illustrations by John La Chatte
Sweetmeats Press

astronavigation

Astronavigation by Michelle Augello-Page by barehandspoetry

This is an audio recording of my poem “Astronavigation”, which was published in Issue Six of Bare Hands Poetry. Be sure to check out Bare Hands Poetry on SoundCloud to hear the voices of poets from all over the world reading their work!

on fairy tales

Why are fairy tales still so popular? What is the lure of this particular form of storytelling? And further, how do we understand and process the meaning of fairy tales in our collective consciousness and our individual minds?

As a writer who sometimes works within the framework of fairy tales, I am extremely interested in these questions. As with all stories, fairy tales have grown from an oral to a written form of storytelling. In the retelling, the storyteller would often revise the tale, a tradition that continued when the stories were printed, and continues to this very day.

The framework of fairy tales demands this reflexive approach, and relies on the storyteller to reinvent the tale.  In the retelling, the familiar tale is processed by the author’s (and the reader’s) unique perspective, and filtered through cultural, historical, environmental, psychological, and socioeconomic contexts.

Modern fairy tales, now more than ever, depart sometimes drastically from the “original” form. And yet, these modern tales are just as much fairy tales as the ones we grew up with as children. Perhaps more so, because these modern tales understand the essence of this form of storytelling. The retelling and reinvention of fairy tales is the natural evolution of the form. It is in this way that fairy tales are kept alive.

When I was growing up, I had a very small collection of books. Most of these books were fairy tales. As I grew older, I began to find alternate versions of the tales I knew and loved. These alternate versions did not detract from my love of the “original” tale. In fact, they enhanced the story – the essential story – and provoked me to think more and to open my mind to different possibilities, different perspectives, and different meanings.

One of the books I had as a child was a Disney picture book of Snow White. I loved that book deeply. How surprised and pleased I was to find another version of Snow White! Then, I discovered the Grimm’s brothers tale. Whoa. Then, I looked a little deeper and found the unabridged Grimm tale! Mind=blown.

Since then, I’ve read countless versions of that same tale where the fairy tale has changed perspective, plot, and point of view. I’ve read versions where the Queen is the victim, and Snow White is the villain. I’ve read versions where Snow White outsmarts the Queen and doesn’t need the prince to save her; she saves herself. I’ve read versions where Snow White was a whore, living very disreputably with seven men!

The most interesting aspect to these alternate versions is that the fairy tale is still, essentially, Snow White. And that’s the way fairy tales work – before even getting into a new take on the old tale, I am coming to the story with a set of ideas and expectations. I know this fairy tale. And yet, with each retelling, the story continues to expand and layer meaning. It forces me to revisit the tale in new ways, with fresh eyes, and to expand in turn.

A couple of years ago, I was interviewed when I first published my story “The Kiss” in the Cleis Press anthology Fairy Tale Lust. In the interview, I was asked what made my story a fairy tale, and why I thought erotic fairy tales were so popular. My response was:

My story is a fairy tale by both the nature of the tale and the plot elements that constitute a fairy tale. Fairy tales are set in an alternate reality, where fiction is real, and the lie is truth. There is a certain suspension of belief that occurs in fairy tales; we believe that there is a wolf in the bed when Little Red Riding Hood comes to visit grandmother. In reality, such a thing would be too impossible to believe. But we understand the wolf in the fairy tale, not in the literal sense, but the wolf as a symbol, and all that represents. We understand that, as surely as we understand the phrase “a wolf in sheep’s clothing”. It is language telling something essential, infused with metaphor.

Fairy tales are a way of teaching children how to work out issues, about showing them alternate paths, and allowing them fancies of the imagination and the certain pleasure derived from language and from reading and being told a story. An important aspect to fairy tales is the multilayered effect of the tale, which allows one to re-read any number of written tales with the basic parameters of one story. This is a very interesting way to tell stories, and features mostly in fairy tales, mythology, and folklore. The fairy tale is something flexible and organic, encouraging a continued re-visitation of the text, which should change in response to evolving perceptions of the self and the world.

“The Uses of Enchantment” by Bruno Bettelheim is an excellent book for those interested in the deep meaning and importance of fairy tales through a psychoanalytic lens. Fairy tales are written for children in our modern times, though we all know the Brothers Grimm and that fairy tales were often told to adults and have been sanitized for exclusive use in the realm of childhood. Therefore, in our present time, adults outgrow fairy tales.

I think that erotic fairy tales are popular because they are a place for adults to revisit the basic elements of the fairy tale story with adult content. The adult content still allows for the adult reader to connect with the tale, as a place to work out some of the mysteries and subtleties of our human experience. Sex is extremely mysterious. There exists an entire literature devoted to comprehending sex and even this falls short of tapping into fully understanding the sexual experience. So, it seems natural that we would turn to erotic fairy tales, and be interested in stories that work out certain issues, show us alternate paths, and allow fancies of the imagination, through language and the creative mental process of reading.

The framework of the fairy tale is a very interesting way to experience a story, for both a writer and a reader, which is why I think it continues to flourish as a medium of storytelling. These are stories we have known since childhood, stories that we have encountered since we first learned to read. These stories inherently contain archetypes, which speak to us on an almost unconscious level. These are simple tales with deep, deep roots.

And they change. And they are meant to change. In response, they provoke us to reflect, to expand our capacity for meaning, and to change as well.

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july

Time is escaping me! I can’t believe we are already halfway through the month of July. The last few months in general have been blurred with transition and change – high highs, low lows, the pendulum of luck swinging dispassionately across the landscape of my life.

The end of June saw the publication of one of my stories and also the publication of the first issue of Siren. Both of these endeavors were the result of planning and hard work, and I am so proud of both. Publication is an interesting process for a writer, so I wanted to share a little of this process.

“Tale of the Hourglass” was a story that I first wrote in draft form many years ago. Since then, I have taken it out every once in a while to revise and redefine the story. I knew it was an unusual story – a weird tale, with elements of magical realism. The story had been rejected in the past but I believed in that story; I was hopeful that I would find a place for it. When I found Rose Red Review, I was really excited because they seemed to celebrate just that type of work. I had finally found a home for my story – a great fit between the concept of the journal and the collection of work within.

I have so many stories and poems like this … things I am working on, things I know are good and I want to see published. The hard task of the writer is to find these compatible places. For writers who are different or experimental or exploring new paths and methods of communication, one is also dealing with the resistance from the accepted norm. This is one of the main reasons I started Siren – to create a place in which to celebrate the work of innovative and exceptional artists who deviate from the mainstream. The response to Siren has been very positive, and I am so honored to be a tangential part of it.

Within this time, I’ve also received some rejections of my work, including two rejections of my poetry manuscript. I know the odds, yet I was only able to afford to send it to five places. I was planning on sending the manuscript out again in the early fall, when more places opened up for submissions – but I honestly don’t think I will have the money. I’m still waiting to hear from the other places … I’m still feeling hopeful.

There is a strong reality that the manuscript will be rejected by all five places. I know it wouldn’t be a reflection of the quality of my work. I know that, if that should happen, I should consider other ways of publishing my manuscript. The route I am trying by submitting to these specific places is an academic route, and would help me to secure at least an adjunct position teaching, and possibly an entry level full time position, considering my other publications, education, and experience. Where I am right now … that means a lot to me.

This idea of high and low has extended to my personal relationships as well. Within this time, my lover and I had a series of conflicts. We also attended a wedding together.

The wedding was a grand yet comfortable affair – probably one of the best weddings I have ever been to. The ceremony and reception were held at the same place, connected by path through a sprawling green lawn which lead to the sea. The vows were exchanged in front of a gazebo right next to the water, and the reception hall had huge windows overlooking the landscape. It was a gorgeous place.

But it was the absolute feeling of happiness and joy and love that made this wedding so special. The bride and groom were so happy, and it was truly a celebration of love and friends and family. Children were running through the grass, people were dancing to the reggae band. We were all dressed up, looking good, feeling good. My lover and I spent the day and night together in this relaxed atmosphere, just celebrating love. We talked and laughed. We danced together. We disappeared for a little while and spent some time alone.

During the series of conflicts with my lover, we spent a lot of time talking about what being in a relationship means. I feel that we are all continuously growing and changing, and our wants and needs change as we do. Conflict is a part of our relationships. A love relationship has built in expectations, which come from both ourselves and others. There are also other things that come into play – past relationship experiences, sexual issues, family issues, friends, financial issues, labels, freedoms, limitations, insecurities, and boundaries.

It can be a lot to negotiate. It’s actually making my head spin just thinking about it. The fact is that conflict happens. It forces us to communicate about things. Another way to think of conflict is as another opportunity to grow and expand, to confront things about oneself, to break patterns, to change.

The funny thing is, I’m not a big advocate of marriage. I mean, I think of it as a legal and binding contract. I’ve never had a desire to get married. But something about the wedding was actually affirming to me – that the things we get from being in a loving and sexual relationship are so important, so necessary. There is so much joy and happiness to be found there. And to share love and passion in a healthy relationship with another person can be an incredible source of strength and growth in our individual pursuits and our individual lives.

Ah, mid-July and here I am … stealing time in which to write. The heat is still clinging to the still-humid, still air. It’s very late. The night is dark, ink black with no stars. I’ve already passed into a new day. In a few short hours, the world will awaken, welcome the dawn chorus, and rise with the brilliant, burning sun.

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