Recently I’ve been thinking about the mythological Phoenix, the majestic creature resembling a giant bird who, when she is ready to die, bursts into flame to be born again from her own ashes. It is a powerful mythology that has endured for a very long time across different cultures, representing life, death, rebirth, change, healing, endings, and new beginnings.

It is mid-August. The weather is hot, the wind rustles with dry leaves, a hint of autumn in the air. The sun is flecked with pieces of flint, ready to spark. My skin burns easily. My life is fraught with changes, choices, decisions. Paper. Rock. Scissors. My soul is parchment. My mind is a lit match.

Since May, time has been blurry, as it becomes sometimes when my world is suddenly thrown into confusion. My time is not my own. There are others to care for, others who need more help than I can give, and my heart is filled with the pain of those, all I cannot help, all I cannot save.

And then there are words. Words unspoken, silent language, the syllables and sounds of all that is left unsaid. I’m sorry. I keep things to myself. I’ve always been that way. I want to share joy, not sorrow. I sublimate my pain. Darkness is my evil twin, my shadow, my constant companion. And then there are words. They escape like lightning during the blackest storm, like chaotic stars illuminating the night sky, bursting from the center of me. I’m not sorry. I can’t keep things to myself. I’ve always been that way.

“There is a crack, a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in.” (Cohen)

The last few months have both initiated and necessitated some important changes in my life. One of the most important things I have done for myself in response was to begin doing yoga again. For me, that is one of the most important ways that I can care for myself. It is a simple thing, but it is amazing how often over the last several years I have neglected to find the time to spend doing something for myself, for the sole benefit of myself.

Yoga is one of the things that I’ve discovered helps me in a multitude of ways by not only strengthening and balancing my body, but also my mind. I’ve also been rereading Stephen Cope’s, “Yoga and the Quest for the true self,” which I find to be an excellent book linking the practice of yoga with philosophy, spirituality, and psychology.

When I first began doing yoga again, I knew that it would be challenging because I hadn’t been “on the mat” in several years. When I broke down crying while releasing all the tension and stress I had been holding in my body, I knew that I was ready to accept the challenge. And I’m really happy to say that since then, yoga has become an important part of my life again.

Last month, I finally published “Persephone’s Affliction” !!! It is nothing short of miraculous to me that I was able to get it together, and it felt like a huge accomplishment, one of the lights during a very dark time. “Persephone’s Affliction” was a book of poems that had transformed greatly over the last few years, finally ending up as a chapbook with accompanying illustrations. It is a beautiful book, and I’m so proud of the final outcome.

Upon publishing the book, I had offered it as a direct purchase, and it was such a gift to be able to put together packages for people who ordered the book. So much love went into putting it all together, and the response was overwhelmingly positive. It was a wonderful way to celebrate the publication, and I’m so grateful for those who ushered the book into the world in this way. The book is now in full distribution and very soon, “Persephone’s Affliction” will be available through amazon, barnes and noble, and elsewhere!

Now that I have finished and published “Persephone’s Affliction,” I have been free to work on other projects that have been waiting in the wings. I’m always trying to push myself a little further in my work, so I have begun a new batch of stories that are leading me to places I haven’t really explored yet. It’s exciting, and I’m really looking forward into delving even deeper with these new stories.

Time is always an issue for me, but it seems it has been even more of an issue lately, so I decided to take a break from social media in favor of posting on my website. I need more time to myself, to nurture myself and my family, and to nurture my new creative projects. By converting my facebook profile to an author page, I feel like I’ve created a more manageable space for myself on the site for now, without disappearing completely.

Another change on the horizon is that at the end of August, we will be moving to a new place! This will be a welcome and much needed change, and my children and I are very excited about it. There is some stress involved with the move, but mostly we are looking forward to decorating, setting the place up, and settling in by the beginning of September.

It is mid-August. I’m bursting into flame.

I’ve been thinking about change, about life and death and rebirth, and phoenixes, rising from the ashes, beginning again, anew.

Wish me luck! x






persephone’s affliction

Persephone's Affliction by Michelle Augello-Page


I’m so happy to announce that Persephone’s Affliction is now available!!!

Persephone’s Affliction is a collective arc of poems and illustrations, a journey into the dark landscape of the heart, illuminated and inspired by mythology, psychology, the life/death/life cycle of love relationships, and the Tarot.

The chapbook includes 17 poems and 17 illustrations created by me. I am awaiting full distribution, and right now the chapbook is only available to purchase online through Lulu. A digital copy is forthcoming. To celebrate this release, I am also offering a direct purchasing option for a limited time.

To purchase Persephone’s Affliction directly from me, all you would need to do is click on the “buy now” button below and fill out all of the pertinent information, including your shipping address. There is a space in which to add a “note to seller” and it would be great if you could send me a little note, too!

The chapbook is $7.00 USD. I will cover any shipping fees, which includes international rates. As a thank you, I will include a signed, scented (vanilla or lavender – optional) copy of Persephone’s Affliction, a print of one of the interior illustrations, a handwritten note, and a surprise gift or two.

I’ve been working on this collection for a few years, and it is wonderful to see it all come together. This became a unique project for me when I decided to illustrate the chapbook alongside my poems. Drawing was my first love and something I do regularly, but it is usually something I keep to myself.

I’ve never considered directly selling my work before, but I wanted to do something a little different as a special thank you to those of you who have been so  supportive of my writing over the years. This way, you would receive a personalized package from me, without any shipping charges.

The creation of this book has been truly a labor of love, and I almost can’t believe this project has finally come to fruition. Knowing that people were waiting for the book to arrive is so humbling to me. I hope that you feel how special this book is to me, and love it as much as I loved creating it.

Your support means everything to me, and I am so grateful to have been blessed in my life with people who believe in me and my art. Offering a direct purchase is a small way that I can say thank you, extend some appreciative gifts, and engage personally with you all. Thank you all so much. x


Buy Now Button


Persephone’s Affliction by Michelle Augello-Page


Product Details

ISBN: 9781329209473
Edition: First Edition
Publisher: Michelle Augello-Page
Published: July 6, 2015
Language: English
Pages: 42
Binding: Perfect-bound Paperback
Interior Ink: Black & white
Weight: 0.24 lbs.
Dimensions (inches): 6 wide x 9 tall



how the raven stole the sun



“How the Raven stole the sun” is based upon Native American creation myths, specifically the Haida story, in which the Raven is responsible for bringing light (the sun, the moon, and the stars) back to the world, and is transformed in the process.


In the beginning, the world was in total darkness.

But it was not always that way.

In the beginning, the world was filled with light. All of the animals, the trees and plants and flowers, and the whole of the earth, thrived. In the beginning, there were no human beings, save for a man and a woman who had lived together from the beginning of time. What the woman longed for most in the world was a child; however, she could not conceive. The man and the woman grew old as their prayers for a child went unanswered. The woman’s sadness was so great that she could not share a world of light when her own world was so dark. One day, in revenge or anger or disappointment, the old man took the light from the world and hid it in a box, thinking that now the world would share their pain.

After some time, the earth began to die. Nothing could grow in the absence of light. The eagle had seen the old man climb into the sky, so they knew he was holding the light. All of the animals had a great meeting, to discuss the ways in which they could persuade the man to return it. The light that they could make, fire, was not enough to illuminate the earth, and too much of it would burn the world. They had pleaded with him, begged and cried, told him that their families, all of the trees and plants and flowers, and all of the life on earth, was in danger. But the old man said that he did not know where the light was. They tried to break into the humans’ home, but the light was so well hidden that not even the smallest insect could find it.

Finally, the Raven stepped forward. She said that she would transform into a human infant, since what the humans wanted most was a child. Perhaps then, if she lived as one of them, she would be able to find the light. And so the Raven changed, and the animals wrapped her in a nest of dead leaves, and left the baby at the old man and the old woman’s door.

When she was found, they cried with joy at the unexpected gift, and took her in. Years passed, and the baby grew from an infant into a child. The child was curious, always getting into things, but she filled their life with joy. The old man and the old woman loved the child so much, they promised that they would give her anything her heart desired. One day, the child stumbled across a locked box, and she brought the box to her father and asked if she could open it. Because he loved her so much, he could not say no, and the old man said that he would open the box, but the child could only take a peek inside.

After releasing the lock, the old man lifted the lid of the box slowly until a shimmering sliver of light filled the room. The child gasped, a look of absolute wonder crossing her face. Suddenly, the child transformed into a giant white bird, the Raven, and she quickly seized the ball of light in her beak and flew out through the smokehole in the roof towards the sky.

Higher and higher she flew, the ball of light hot in her mouth, slowly charring her snow white feathers black. Still she flew, and a piece of the light broke off, staying fixed in the sky as the sun. She kept flying, even though the light was scorching her, burning her; she flew halfway across the world, and another piece of the light broke off, staying fixed in the sky as the moon. Still, she flew, only a third of the light left, held fast in her beak. As she crossed the great ocean, the last bit of light fell, and shattered into tiny pieces, bouncing off the reflected water and into the sky, punctuating the darkness with stars.

And this is the story of how the Raven stole the sun, and brought light back to the world, though it turned her snow white feathers black as the darkest night, forevermore.




The photos in this post are from ‘Raven Steals the Sun’ – a collaboration between photographer Jeff Elstone, scarf designer Taiana Giefer and artist-milliner Selina Elkuch, based on the native Haida myth of how the Sun came to be. For additional photos, please click here.




why i love “granny hair”


Relatively recently, I came across a blog post written by an older woman that gave me much food for thought. I am not going to link the blog post because I had quite a few issues with what was written, and I feel that instead of calling out the individual author, I would rather respond in a general way to the collective ideas that the author reflected within her post.

Basically, the post was about growing older as a female in contemporary society. It appeared that some of the concepts and ideas that our culture has inculcated in women was something that the author had bought into in her youth. As an adult woman over the age of 60, she had some cognitive dissonance in reconciling her role as a female in our “youth obsessed” culture. She said that as an older woman, she now feels marginalized and invisible. She expressed that she was happy to have “aged out” of the catcalls, sexual harassment, and objectification she had experienced as a younger woman, but she also felt a sense of loss and displacement as an older woman.

She didn’t like the idea that women who were older and appeared to conform to society’s norm of beauty (by hook or by crook, genetics and/or plastic surgery) were heralded as “sexy” and “gorgeous” and instead called for a redefinition of beauty as it applied to older women – preferring to focus on the attributes that made older women sexy and gorgeous, which included their intelligence, their personality, and their experience. (I’d say this redefinition of beauty should apply to ALL people, regardless of age or gender) Lastly, she cautioned younger women about the role they play, telling them that the concerns of older women should be their concerns too (assuming that the majority of younger women did not care about older women) while warning them that they, too, would be old someday.

A few days after I had read the post, I was still thinking about it, pondering the implications of what the author was trying to express, when I was at a grocery store with a friend, a man who is older than me chronologically but certainly not mentally or emotionally or spiritually. (I also have to back up a little bit here and say that I do look “young” for my age – which I will address a little bit more later in this blog post. My friend has grey hair. I too have grey hair, but I have dyed my hair black or brown pretty continuously for over 15 years to cover it, and it has been with mixed feelings over the last five years or so. Every once in a while, I start to grow it out, marveling at my silver strands, wondering how I will ever be able to grow it all out while retaining some semblance of color continuity and keeping my hair long. To tell the truth, I have dyed my hair far longer than that. I started dying my hair black in my early 20s, as was my inclination.)

Anyway, we were at the grocery store, and a long-ago high school friend of my friend’s, an older woman with dyed brown hair, stopped him to say hello. We all chatted for a moment, talking about the weather and some of the weather patterns over the last few years, when suddenly the woman turned towards me abruptly in a pointed, seething sort of way said, “well, you are way too young to remember that.” I was very surprised and responded immediately, “I’m not as young as I look …” but she continued talking to my friend as if she had not heard me. After a few minutes, the conversation ended and we went our separate ways. But the lingering effect was there, and my friend and I talked about what had happened.

“You do look young,” he said, slightly unnerved at being thought of as a man who was ‘robbing the cradle’. I was unnerved at being thought of as somehow undermining older women by being with an older man. But honestly, while I am younger than him, I am not THAT much younger than him. Looking younger than I am is a problem I’ve had nearly all my life, at pretty much every stage in my adult life.

From the time I was a senior in high school and my sister was a freshman, when some of my mother’s coworkers who knew she had two girls and their ages but not our faces, would, upon meeting us, turn to my sister and ask her where she was planning on going to college. I still get ID’d when buying products for people over the age of 21. I’ve had people express downright shock when they discovered my true age. I will never forget a man who said to me just last year, “You are over 40?! But you are so pretty! You look so happy!” People have told me more times than I can count, “Oh you will be so thankful for looking young when you are older.” As a young woman, I would ask, “How much older?” As a young woman, I never wondered, “And why then?” Honestly, it has always felt like a curse for me to look younger than my chronological age, and it always bothered me in how people reacted to me, especially when they told me how “lucky” I was to look young.

So why have I continued to dye my hair?

The answer is, I’m not. I made a decision a while ago to stop dying my hair. It feels radical. I never dyed my hair to look young. I dyed it to maintain a color consistency. However, with the advent of “granny hair” I can still maintain a color consistency while my natural hair grows in. I can dye my hair grey. In short, I’m going grey! I can’t be more excited about it. Will I finally look my age?! Though, truthfully, I don’t care what age I “look”.  I want to keep my long hair while my natural hair grows in. Dyeing my hair grey offers a unique solution to the awkward transition.

This brings me to the whole idea of “granny hair.” Ah, first of all – what a term! Right then and there, there’s a bias and presumption that only “grandmothers” have grey hair! The biological fact of the matter is that both men and women usually start to go grey in their 30s or 40s, sometimes even earlier in their 20s. The cultural fact of the matter is that men usually do not dye their hair. Men are light years more accepting of the grey and silver strands that permeate their hair with age, which has led to the perception of men with grey hair looking “distinguished” and “sexy.” There are names for these kinds of men, and I’ve never heard of a derogatory term or an implied “grandfatherly” term – “silver foxes” comes to mind.

So what’s up with “granny hair?” The term has originated as a label given to younger women (and sometimes even older women) who CHOOSE to dye their hair grey. Young women in their late teens and 20s are sporting grey and silver locks – and rocking the look. Suddenly, shockingly (!), grey hair is beautiful, sexy, edgy, cool. Older women who retain their grey and silver (Helen Mirrin, Jamie Lee Curtis, EmmyLou Harris, etc) are now being celebrated as “silver vixens”, whereas in the past older women who have chosen to go natural when the grey comes in have been considered to have “let themselves go.”

If there was ever a time in which the term “from the mouths of babes” was appropriate, I’d say that applies very directly to young women with “granny hair.” They actually haven’t had to say a word. It is all in the action of dyeing their hair grey, and finding empowerment there. (Though I have seem many recent articles about the “granny hair trend,” I’ve also seen online articles talking about this “trend” which go back to 2014 and 2013. I’ve also seen some earlier forums and hair related sites in which women ask help for transitioning between dyed hair and natural grey hair, bemoaning the fact that grey hair dye didn’t exist.)

Interestingly, it wasn’t older women who began celebrating and seeing their grey and silver locks as something special, edgy or cool. In fact, older women typically dye their hair to hide their grey into their 60s and 70s, sometimes even longer. Who usually sees grey or silver hair on women, unless they are very old? It was young women who radicalized this vision. They didn’t come up with the term “granny hair” … it was the culture throwing that on the action of younger (and older) women dyeing their hair grey. They couldn’t care less about the term. For these women, grey and silver hair is not only unusual, it is striking and beautiful. And it forces not only older women, but the entire culture, to reconsider their relationship to grey hair as it relates to ageism, female beauty, and empowerment.

One of the biggest problems I had with the blog post I had read was that the woman who wrote it seemed so bitter, almost angry at young women. (I think it is also worth noting that in the author picture, the woman had dyed blonde hair.) Maybe she was even a bit angry that she had bought into the cultural idea of female beauty when she was young, thereby thinking that all young women felt that way. We live in a society that does not really respect old people. We do not see them reflected in media or in television or movies. They are often hidden away in nursing homes and senior citizen centers. We forget how much older people have to teach us, not only on an individual level, but on a societal level.

It is up to older people to set a different standard than the one that has been outlined for them by society. That is why I am so grateful for women like Joan Price, author of Naked at Our Age and The Ultimate Guide to sex after 50, who seek to redefine our attitudes about what it means to be an older person in this society, and to live by our example, our words and our actions.

We also forget sometimes how much younger people have to teach us. Our society is a changing, growing, evolving thing. Young people do not necessarily have the same ideas about aging and beauty as what has been outlined for them by society. In many ways, young people are more likely than older people to revolt and to radicalize concepts and ideas that we have long taken in and internalized as societal norms and cultural standards.

When I decided to take the plunge and dye my hair grey, I started looking for places where I could buy grey and/or silver hair dye in New York, where I live. I could not find a single store in my area which sold grey hair dye. “How could this be?!” I thought, after the third store I went to, a popular beauty supply store that I was sure would have it. “This is a goddamn conspiracy!” I thought angrily, after the sixth store I went to. For, what would it mean to multimillion hair dye companies, or the female beauty industry on the whole, if women actually celebrated their grey/silver hair and growing older naturally?! These companies and industries are built upon pimpology – exploiting women’s self-esteem issues by bringing them down so they can be built back up. That in itself is a radical thought.

Needless to say, I was not able to buy grey or silver hair dye locally. Perhaps if I had hundreds of dollars to spend at a salon, I could have a professional hair colourist dye my hair grey. But I do not have such luxury. Not to be deterred, I started scouring the internet and found some places where grey and silver hair dye could be purchased internationally. It will take several weeks for the dye to arrive. There are many different DIY tutorials on how to dye one’s hair silver/grey on youtube and across the internet, given freely by young women, young men, and young transgenders … “granny hair” is not just a woman’s thing in the eyes of young people. Young people are moving far away from the binary ideas older people have about gender, which throws the door wide open, exposing and redefining our antiquated notions about age and beauty from the gender root. As I said before, we sometimes forget how much younger people have to teach us …

To be continued!

In the meantime, check out some photos of these people rocking “granny hair!”

into the woods: an interview

black heart magazine

Many thanks to Laura Roberts and Black Heart Magazine for the fun author interview in which I talk a little about my book, Into the Woods, some of my influences and inspirations, what I’m typically doing on a Friday night, and assorted other topics!

Into the Woods: An interview with Michelle Augello-Page

intothewoodsMichelle Augello-Page is the author of Into the Woods, published in 2014 by Oneiros Books. We recently had a chance to ask her a few questions about her literary influences and inspirations. Here’s what she had to say.

Who are your top 5 favorite authors or influences, and why?

It is very difficult to limit my favorite authors or influences to five! So I will choose 5 that immediately come to mind at this moment in time:

Angela Carter – My favorite book by her is The Bloody Chamber and Other Stories. The stories in this collection are rough-cut jewels: sharp, brutal, beautiful. The first story I ever read by her was called “Reflections” and everything about it touched me to the core of my soul, knowing that even though I wasn’t there yet, this was where I, too, lived as a writer.

Carl Jung – I’d say that his body of work has influenced me a great deal, and has given me a deeper sense of understanding and connecting the links among psychology, dreams, archetypes, storytelling, and life. I love Memories, Dreams, Reflections and The Archetypes and the Collective Unconscious.

Adrienne Rich – Her book of Collected Early Poems: 1950-1970 is one of my most beloved books, and was my first introduction to Rich’s work and (by extension) to poetry itself as a life-long pursuit, a journey rooted in but also transcending the cycles of time and change, an imprint of the “depth and breadth” of one’s personal and creative life. I also love Diving into the Wreck and her sexuality/gender focused political essays.

Margaret Atwood – Her prolific body of work is impressive and varied, and I love that she continues to evolve, stretching even beyond herself. As a writer of fiction, short stories, poetry, and essays, she refuses to be locked into a genre. She has cultivated her own uniqueness, which only grows deeper and more refined with each creation. My favorite books by her are The Handmaid’s Tale and Power Politics.

Stephen King – One of my favorite books about writing is King’s On Writing. Growing up, I devoured King’s books. He has such an ease to his writing that really draws you in, while telling some of the strangest, most horrific stories one could imagine. He is a master of both storytelling and balancing dichotomies. My favorites are The Dead Zone and The Eyes of the Dragon.

What type of writing fuel do you prefer, and what – if anything – do you feel this contributes to your creative process?

My writing fuel is tea, coffee, music, and visual images. Many times when I write I listen to music through headphones, which provides a sort of background emotional undercurrent, a tether, and helps me block out all other worlds except for the one I am writing.

What inspired you to write your latest book?

I was inspired to write my latest book by fairy tales, mythology, language, transformations, relationships, love, and sex.

… to read the rest of the interview, please click here!

And be sure to check out the rest of Black Heart Magazine for a wealth of great stories, poetry, author interviews, reviews, and more!


Black Heart Magazine is an independent online literary magazine, transmitting tenacious text around the world at the speed of wifi. Since 2004, our site has been combating clichés and skipping straight to supercharged stories with a simple catchphrase: we heart art.

Join us, if you dare.

We publish the best in short-form modern literature, from pulp and literary fiction to poetry, along with all manner of literary commentary to keep readers informed and entertained.


Laura Roberts also recently published the Best of Black Heart, a collection celebrating 10 years of fiction, poetry, author interviews, and more indie literary mayhem! Check it out! x



It’s no secret that I love love. Love is an essential component to nearly everything I do. It is basically the driving force of my life, and the lens in which I view my work and my purpose in this world.

This quote by Joseph Campbell is very important to me: “Follow your bliss and don’t be afraid, and doors will open where you didn’t know they were going to be.” To me, this relates to trusting oneself while traveling into the unknown, following one’s instincts, and following our passions as a guide in which to live our lives. I feel that what we love is the single most important factor driving and determining our individual paths.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently about love.

Romantic love has been a challenge for me throughout most of my adult life. I feel like I had a good beginning, a sweet beginning, and I am so grateful for those early experiences. But moving on into my later teenage years and way into adulthood, I never connected with another person the way I had longed for when I imagined love. Romance and relationships and sex always seemed to come hand-in-hand with issues and problems, and while I was willing to work through these things with other people, I never had the kind of “true love” that people say exists, the kind of love that connects people at a soul level so deeply that they are bonded (happily) throughout their lives.

I think that these types of soul connections happen in different types of relationships, not only romantic relationships. Nevertheless, it seems that finding this kind of connection with a romantic partner can be very elusive. Yet, it does exist.

A good friend of mine has been married for over 20 years, and she and her husband share this kind of connection. They had known each other for less than 3 weeks before deciding to spend the rest of their lives together. Within 6 months, they were married. Over the years they have supported and nurtured each other, helping each other reach their individual and collective dreams. This isn’t to say that they don’t have problems or conflicts, but maintaining a good and healthy relationship is important to both of them. She says that they make a choice to be together, not as a residual throwback to 20 years past when they first fell in love, but as a choice to fall in love with each other all over again, each and every day.

Interestingly, even though they had known each other for “only” a few weeks, neither my friend nor her husband felt that they were jumping into things. She says that they both just “knew.”

And that is the elusive part of romantic love – it’s intuitive nature. It’s not something that can be quantified or defined. It is felt, sensed, understood in the heart and soul before the mind can make sense of it. You can’t buy it in a store. You can’t place an order for what you want. You can’t mold another person into the right one for you, no matter how much you think you love him or her. You can’t even work with the law of averages and go out on hundreds of dates, hoping to strike a match. You can be open to romantic love, but you cannot force it, or even truly understand it – to understand this kind of love is like trying to hold a rainbow in your hand.

Recently I came across an article online that was titled something to the effect of “the relationship types you will have before you meet your true love.” The article itself was kind of funny, but I think it also spoke to a great truth, in that many people have to go through different experiences with different kinds of people before they are ready to meet someone on that soul level, their minds/bodies/hearts open in acceptance.

So many times throughout my life I have wondered why I got involved with certain people. Many times even if I sensed that the relationship wouldn’t work on a fundamental level, I still loved them and tried to make it work. And maybe we were not a match in the “true love” sense, but I think the love I felt for them was true. The lessons I sometimes learned were difficult, but I think each relationship I have had has taught me important things, which helped me grow and evolve as an individual.

Recently I was thinking of my children’s father, and a single image kept recurring. When I met him, I was 22 and working in a bookstore full time. After we met, we had a grand meeting of the minds. Within a very short time, I was translating his favorite book”Nadja” from the original French, and he gave me 19 poems about my eyes. I worked in the “home” section, which included all books on cooking, crafting, gardening, etc, and he worked in “genre fiction.” I loved working in the home section very much, and it truly was my own little home. One day, I was organizing books in antiques & collectibles, and I was standing on a step-stool because the shelves were high at the top. He came into my section and held up a ring to me, a bright orange plastic pumpkin ring.

I think he mumbled something about how he was on break and saw it and thought I might like it and if he had more money, he would wish to buy me something nicer, something to that effect. But in my memory, he didn’t say a word. It was his gesture that spoke volumes. I accepted the ring, just as I accepted his love – wholly, completely, without hesitation. And even though a relationship between us failed miserably and he left me to raise two babies alone, I don’t hold any animosity towards him, and I actually think that staying away was the kindest path he could have taken. Despite all the things we went through together, when I think of him, the first memory that comes to mind is that time he offered me the pumpkin ring, and I accepted it. He changed the course of my life. Love changed the course of my life.

Did we have a soul connection? I think we did. But I also think we were very young, too young to deal with the relationship we found ourselves in. In retrospect, I understand that there was no way that our relationship would be able to sustain the trials and tests of time. But I also know that there was no way that I would have been able to turn away from it, either.

Elizabeth Gilbert has an interesting view on this. She says: “People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave. A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in…”

In some of my research on this topic, I came across the idea of a “dark soul mate” and I believe that this is what Elizabeth Gilbert is truly referring to.

Linda George discusses the idea of light and dark soul mates in her article, “The Astrology of Soul Mates.” What she relates is quite profound, and gives much to think about, so I am going end here by quoting her article.

Soul Mates. The words evoke a sense of divine partnership, a blessed union where two hearts, two souls, two people, come together as One.  The state of Oneness prevails through all of life’s adversities. The couple is melded together through thick and thin, and there is always and throughout pervasive feelings of telepathic connection, unconditional love, and simmering sexual passion.

Ah, bliss.  We all share this innate longing for our “other half.”  Since the age of romance began, literature has fed us the imagery of such a perfect union. Much is illusory, a fantasy; but still, we crave this perfection.

Our bodies hardly need encouragement.  It is the prerogative of the body to seek its “other half,” the yin for its yang. And for our higher selves, our souls, the desire to merge comes from an instinctive “knowing.” Our higher self knows that only through relationship can we bring our “unwholeness” into our conscious awareness, in order to heal—and thus become whole.

We cannot do this on our own.  We need another to help us negotiate our gaps and wounds, and to teach us how to open, and keep open, our hearts.  There is no healing with a closed heart.  We must open and let go. And this we do best when we are loved and loving.

The words “Soul Mates” are a bit like the words “God” or “Love.”  We can create any number of interpretations for these words; they are capable of expressing the highest truths, as well as truth’s opposite. From the pain of deception, loss, betrayal, and separation to the joy of profound intimacy and deep merging with another, the Soul Mate relationship can bring us any or all of these.

I use the word Soul, together with the word Mate, tentatively. And for the reason mentioned above—the words are too easily misconstrued.  They are minimized, mangled, and mutated, changed from two innocent, singly comforting words to something almost intimidating:  Do you have a Soul Mate? Is your partner your Soul Mate, or a watered down version of one? And if he is, why is living with him so difficult? He can’t be.  Or: Will you ever find that elusive Soul Mate? Do you even believe in such things?  If they’re for real, why hasn’t yours shown up yet? Where IS he?  The subject of soul mates seems invariably to be accompanied by feelings of ambivalence and vulnerability.

There is a lot of confusion about Soul Mates (as there is about anything to do with the mysterious Soul), which is why I wanted to talk about them.  After forty something years of living and loving, I have come to the conclusion that every significant relationship we enter into is with a Soul Mate. When we give our heart to another—for however short or long the duration—we are entering into the sacred territory of the Soul.  This person has then become a Mate of our Soul; our Soul Mate.

Now, we need to qualify the above.  Significant relationships are all Soul Mate relationships, but there are soul mates and Soul Mates.  There are “dark” Soul Mates and there are “light” Soul Mates.

Some of those with whom we enter into a significant relationship have come into our lives to demonstrate the less attractive side of relating—and to show us the less attractive side of ourselves. You may have known such Soul Mates in your past; your relationship with them would have been marred with darkness, destruction, and desperation. Soul Mates have been known to kill each other!

The Soul has a “knowing” that our conscious selves do not possess.  This knowing ineffably, sooner or later, draws us into the orbit of people with whom we have shared a past, a past that is outside of our conscious awareness. We “mates of old” have karma to resolve together; perhaps we have agreed to come back into a relationship to complete something we didn’t finish up in the past, or to do it differently. As an evolutionary astrologer I would add to that: ideally, complete in a positive and integrated way.  Sometimes we finish our relationships, but we neglect to complete the work we were in them to do!

These Soul Mate relationships serve the great purpose of assisting us in our awakening. They unerringly dredge up the old karmic patterns, the needs and expectations that we have unconsciously crafted through lifetimes of experiences: pain, fear, disappointment, loss, betrayal.  Once our relationships show us—often in glaring Technicolor—where exactly our “issues” are, we may be forced to go through more than a few dark nights as we learn to meet ourselves and transmute our woundedness into something more life giving.

We both signed up for this relationship, we Soul Mates.  And however long, short, or in between, this partnership that takes us to the deepest and often most painful places is an agent for the Soul.  Always, “darker” Soul Mate connections will end in a parting of the two personalities–one way or another. The karmic contract will expire and then there is no longer a necessity to stay together.  Hopefully, the work has been done and each party has healed some wounds and come to a place of greater self-awareness.  If not, then there is always the next lifetime…

Light Soul Mates are those are not fueled by the need to complete karmic contracts. They are, rather, about growth. These are two Souls who have come together in a significant relationship, in full consciousness.  That is, the personalities have matured emotionally and spiritually to a point where they understand that they are responsible for their realities—in or out of a relationship. They know that life is an ongoing journey of unfolding, learning, and growing—and that this new relationship will bring up a new set of lessons and challenges. This conscious awareness draws partners of a like mind.  The couple is concerned with each other’s growth and wellbeing as much as their own.  They also know that love is the reason they are together.  This is why their relationship is light-filled.

We cannot hope to create positive, fulfilling, loving, life-affirming relationships if we are fractured spirits ourselves.  No one can rescue us from ourselves.  If we understand the deeper significance of our principles, if we know about the light and dark expressions of these, then we move to a higher awareness.  We are “awakened” to our greater potentials and we can consciously choose to bring them into our lives.  When we do, our relationships naturally transform. Our self awareness spills over to become a tolerant, compassionate, benevolent energy in the relationship. We know ourselves and our partners more deeply. Tolerance, for both, arises from this acceptance.

All of our relationships of significance are with our Soul Mates, but the more conscious we become, the more we move toward light Soul Mate relationships—and away from the dark, destructive ones. Once we have made friends with ourselves, come to a place of acceptance (self-worth) and celebration for who we are, in the depths of our hearts, then we attract souls who resonate in kind, who love us because we do too!  These are the lovers with whom we will grow and evolve.  We draw them into our lives to share a divine partnership where two hearts, two souls, two people, come together as One.

Until we do this work to make friends with ourselves, to love ourselves, we will continue to attract relationships that offer us a reflection of what we feel about ourselves.  The dark and destructive Soul Mate is simply the mirror showing us how little we are valuing ourselves.

Nothing in this life is more valuable than the journey we make into the center of ourselves.  The master keys to creating joyful, loving lives are self-knowledge and an awakening to who we really are.”




Happy New Year!

Ring out wild bells to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night;
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new,
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true.

~ Alfred, Lord Tennyson

My last post about the upcoming new year was a bit premature, but I couldn’t help it! I was looking forward, and gratefully so. Christmas always leaves me ragged emotionally and financially, but the holiday is bookended by two points of calm. First, we celebrate the winter solstice, which occurs several days prior to Christmas. Then Christmas comes, with all of its familial, consumer, secular, and religious complexity. After, we celebrate the New Year, which brings our winter solstice intentions full circle.

I have been celebrating the winter solstice for many years, and I love the quiet simplicity and mindfulness of the holiday. There are many different ways that people celebrate the solstice in modern times. In my life, I’ve mostly shared this holiday with children. As an elementary school teacher, I’ve introduced and celebrated the winter solstice through science, math, art, and reading/writing activities. (For example, in one class, we charted the time of the sunrise and the sunset every day over the course of several weeks. This was a lot of fun for the kids, and clearly showed the gradual change in distance between the earth and the sun.) As a parent, the way I’ve celebrated has changed slightly each year, changing as my children have grown older. In the past, we’ve celebrated by creating homemade bells and drums, bird-feeders (from pine cones), and sun-masks (with paper plates, tissue paper, paint, and glitter). We also share a quiet candle ritual where we talk about our personal moments of darkness and light over the past year, and share our intentions for the coming year – for ourselves, our family, and the world.

The new year is a calendar based holiday, rooted in the winter solstice. In the past, the winter solstice signified an end, as well as a beginning. After the solstice, there is a definite change, but it is barely perceptible. Each day after the solstice, we are turning towards the sun, and in two months, we will welcome the return of Spring. Like the new year, the winter solstice is a culmination point, a yearly revisiting for both the earth and its inhabitants. After the long dark night, the sun returns. After the old year, a new one is born. The year is refreshed, renewed, a metaphorical blank slate. We are given the same opportunity as the earth to move from dark to light, death to rebirth, past to future. It is the world reminding us that it is not only important, but necessary, to end. Then: begin again.

After I posted my preemptive new years greeting in December, I began making some changes to this website – little things, just updating some of the sections to reflect how I’ve grown over the past year. One of the things I am trying to work on in 2015 is increasing my confidence and self-esteem, and I think going through my website and taking stock of my accomplishments was a great start. I am happy with the work I have done so far, and I am so excited with all the ideas I have for future projects.

Right now, I’m working on completing and publishing a poetry chapbook that has been floating for a while. I’ve had a few different ideas in the past on how to present it, and I am very excited about the present incarnation. If all goes according to plan, I will be making an announcement in just a few months! Besides the poetry chapbook, I have many ideas for stories which are in varied stages of completion. I actually got my first rejection of 2015 recently. First story out, and I kind of suspected that it wouldn’t fly, but I had to take a chance because it would have fit the theme. I know that the story is good, but it is also very disturbing, and I knew that the editor would have to be bold to accept it. With so much of my work, my challenge isn’t in the writing or the ideas, but in finding places my work fits … that’s always been a problem for me. But luckily for me, I really don’t care about fitting in. I just keep writing.

Another way that I’ve been trying to increase my self-confidence is by taking care of myself, mind/body/soul. I’ve been actively pursuing what I love, reconnecting with friends, and doing things that I neglected while I was coupled in a relationship with someone who wasn’t interested in doing things I liked to do. There is a multitude of art galleries, museums, clubs, nature preserves and parks, cemeteries, bookstores, readings, and book related events that I need to catch up on! After being part of a couple for several years, I’m entering 2015 as a single person again. The dizzying, terrifying freedom I felt initially after the breakup has mellowed, and I’m enjoying the quiet simplicity of my life. I love that there are so many paths open, so many opportunities waiting. I’m enjoying the exploration of sex as a single person again, going to different clubs, parties, events, and classes, meeting men and women who also share my sexual interests, negotiating the weird world of dating, and having fun in the process.

Recently, I was tested when a friend wrote me to let me know that there was a rumor going around about me, started by my narcissist ex and his harem. This is the same ex who lied to me throughout our relationship, then lied about me to all his friends after we broke up – at least he’s consistent, right? At first, I got upset and wondered how I should respond to the news. Then, I realized that it has been months since No Contact, and this was just another way of trying to draw me back into his toxicity. I realized that anyone who knows me and, quite frankly, anyone who knows him, wouldn’t believe any of his lies about me. He is the one with a long string of broken relationships caused by his lying, cheating, and abusive behaviors. He is the one still trying to bring me down so that he can build himself up. And I’m just so over it; I’m light years away. I have nothing to defend, nothing to prove, and nothing to hide. I am getting stronger, each and every day. I’ve turned towards the sun.

Ah, January.

First month of the new year! By December, we’ve had a full year of living; we’ve been beaten down by life. Then January comes, and it seems as if we have another chance, another opportunity to change, to learn from our past mistakes, to start again, anew.

I’m going to end here with some quotes:


“The object of a New Year is not that we should have a new year. It is that we should have a new soul and a new nose; new feet, a new backbone, new ears, and new eyes.”

~ G.K. Chesterton


“We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.”

~ Ellen Goodman


“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes, then you are making new things, trying new things, learning, living, pushing yourself, changing yourself, changing your world. You’re doing things you’ve never done before, and more importantly, you’re Doing Something. So that’s my wish for you, and all of us, and my wish for myself. Make New Mistakes. Make glorious, amazing mistakes. Make mistakes nobody’s ever made before. Don’t freeze, don’t stop, don’t worry that it isn’t good enough, or it isn’t perfect, whatever it is: art, or love, or work or family or life. Whatever it is you’re scared of doing, Do it. Make your mistakes, next year and forever.”

~ Neil Gaiman


“For last year’s words belong to last year’s language.
And next year’s words await another voice.”

~ T.S. Eliot


“Fail Better.”

~ Samuel Beckett



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