Sunday. I awoke mind and body in another state, and I almost wish I could begin the day again. In the transitional moments between sleep and wakefulness, holding wisps and fragments of dreams, there is sometimes a hyper-awareness, honest and raw, touching deep layers within our consciousness. And that is where we begin …
I’m trying to get this site together, posting different things, trying to lay a foundation with which to work with. I feel this website is like a little home for my writing; all these little rooms decorated with love and art and language, unlocked doors waiting to be entered. I have no idea who might be reading this, which is interesting in itself. I feel like writing in a blog is a bit like throwing words into a void, but that is essentially the nature of writing. We release words into this mad, inchoate world without knowing who will be there to receive them.
I’ve been working on a couple of erotica stories. Recently I came across this quote by Anais Nin:
I do not want to be the leader. I refuse to be the leader. I want to live darkly and richly in my femaleness. I want a man lying over me, always over me. His will, his pleasure, his desire, his life, his work, his sexuality the touchstone, the command, my pivot. I don’t mind working, holding my ground intellectually, artistically; but as a woman, oh, God, as a woman I want to be dominated. I don’t mind being told to stand on my own feet, not to cling, be all that I am capable of doing, but I am going to be pursued, fucked, and possessed by the will of a male at his time, his bidding.
I think that’s really hot. What is interesting to me is that she makes a pretty clear distinction between herself as a woman and herself as an individual – she owns her self-worth as an intellectual, an artist, and sees herself as an independent and capable person. However, sexually, she maintains that to be a woman – to live “richly and darkly in [her] femaleness” – she wants to be dominated by a man.
Her sexual submissiveness is underscored by her own dominance. Using powerful language, she describes her sexual demands in no uncertain terms. Her needs and wants are submissive, yet she is quite dominant in her desires. I like this quote because it illustrates the complexity of dominance and submission, how we view ourselves as sexual persons, and how we balance our sexual relationships…